In My Own Words

For you
(The name of the person this is addressed to is withheld to enable privacy.)

I’m lying in bed with my legs hanging over the edge of the bed; head nestled in the palm of my left hand. My right hand is occupied with a pen in its grip and its tip on a previously blank sheet of paper. It’s slowly being filled with my handwritten words which are slowly forming sentences and gradually will end up in paragraphs. It’s the first time I’m writing actually writing one of my stories on a piece of paper, but it isn’t a story, its real, it’s what I feel right now and I just had to let you know. It feels sort of weird writing on paper but I’m getting used to it. For the first time in a very long while, I have writers block. Yes, I have writers block of all things or maybe it just comes with writing on a piece of paper? I have no idea but maybe you do.
You would definitely have an idea. You would probably say its karmas revenge because I stole your heart away. But in your own words ‘I ripped it out’. I think it’s an unfair thing to say but then who am I to say what is fair and what is not? A sinner cannot judge another sinner, that’s just wrong. I told you a lot of things I shouldn’t have and for that I apologize, but from my experience I know that won’t change a damn thing. I wish it could, I hurt you. No, I broke you down, little by little until there was nothing left for you to clutch on to, yet you continued to love me deeply and truly. I envy your ability to love without fear or restraint; never afraid of what a dark heart like mine might possess. I envy you. There isn’t a minute that has passed since I wrote and sent that message that it hasn’t haunted me, every second it bites away at my conscience but what am I to do?
I did what I had to yet I know you’ll never come to understand the reasons behind it neither will I make you understand. Even now I’m afraid; afraid that you’ll find a way to stop me from entirely leaving your life forever. Truth be told, I miss you tremendously and it weighs my thoughts and my actions down as if to let me know that I cannot escape this horrible deed of leaving your life forever. I’m resting my head on my pillow now, I’m lost in thought. Virtual as what we had was, it was way realer than anything I’d experienced in a long time. After all I’ve done I still hope like crazy you forgive me. You treated me with nothing but goodness, kindness and love, a whole lot of love.
I didn’t think it was real what you felt for me but now I realize it is; its way realer that I’ll ever comprehend and imagine. I want nothing more right now than to hold you in my arms and tell you I’ll stay. If I ever get to see you I look forward to seeing you smile. Ironic isn’t it? I want nothing more than to see you smile even if I’m not the reason behind it. I just want you happy, you deserve that at least. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that as much as I really wanted to. I implore that you keep our promises etched in blood and made eternal in our memories. I told you to trust me and you did. I don’t want you to stop because now more than ever before I need you to believe that I would never hurt you and I’d always ever do what is best for you. This is what is best for you, not for me, but you. I will always ever have your best interests at heart. I plead that you forgive me for throwing away what we had and leaving you out in the cold. I will always love you and what we shared; I will never forget.
I’ve stood up from the bed; I think I heard my dad’s voice beckoning me to come. It’s just as well; I’m done penning all of this down. I stand up and open my bedroom door and go to answer the call.

Originally published at on December 23, 2013.




nefelibata. | is attempting to find a home in these words carved out of memories.

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nefelibata. | is attempting to find a home in these words carved out of memories.

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